The Suicidal Teenager and her Sparkly Boyfriend
by purple-panda95
Summary: Almost-spoof of Twilight.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Okay this is an almost-spoof of Twilight. Basically, it's somewhere between a spoof and the book.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight**

Bella: I'd never given much thought to how I would die. _What the hell? Who thinks about their death? _I stared at the hunter. _What am I, an innocent doe about to be shot? _I knew if I had never gone to Forks I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't have met Edward. _Who wrote this?_

Stephenie: Just keep talking Bella.

Bella: Who are you?

Stephenie: *throws stick at Bella's head* Keep. Talking.

Bella: The hunter smiled as he sauntered- _right, because every teenage girl uses the word sauntered in their every day vocabulary- _forward to kill me. _Again with the killing?_

Bella's Inner Thoughts: Words words words…to sum it up, my mom drives me to the airport, my parents are divorced, I'm going to live with my dad because my mom got married- _jerk! Kicking me out so she can spend time with her boyfriend- _and I arrive in Washington.

Charlie: It's good to see you Bells. _Great, now I have a teenager to take care of. Renee has to go and get married, not even inviting me, and leave me with the kid. Bitch. _How's Renee? _Please say terrible, she wants you back. Ha, I'm going to laugh in her face and say "You should, bitch. Now go make me some dinner."_

Bella: Mom's fine. It's good to see you again. _Gah, I hate it here._

Charlie: I found a good car for you, really cheap.

Bella: What kind of car? _What does he mean "good car for you?"_

Charlie: I already bought it for you. _She'd better like it. This piece of crap cost me money. _Here it is.

Bella: Is it behind the rusty old truck? _Better be expensive._

Charlie: This is it. _Bitch, I will make you my dinner slave. That will teach you to be ungrateful._

Bella: This is a pile of crapoli.

Stephenie: Bella! Be grateful and tell you father you love the car! And don't call it a pile of "crapoli."

Bella: *in monotone voice* Wow, Dad. I love it. Thanks _for this piece of crap. How am I going to drive around town in this?_

Charlie: *ignoring exchange between Bella and Stephenie* I'm glad you like it. _Better love it._

Bella's Inner Thoughts: Forks is really green. Imagine opening up a box of crayola crayons- _pronounced cray-ons, not crans- _that belonged to a toddler who only liked green ones.

Stephenie: Bella, what was wrong with what I wrote?

Bella: I need to adlib! I need to break away from these chains that you have bounds me in!

Stephenie: *chucks box of pens at Bella*

Bella: Okay, okay. It was an alien planet.

Purple-panda95: Isn't that last part reversed?

Stephenie: What?

Purple-panda95: Doesn't she say it's green, and then get the car?

Stephenie: Shut up. You wrote it.

Purple-panda95: ? It's your book.

Bella's Inner Thoughts: Anyways, Charlie pretty much lives in a crappy little house and I am doomed for all eternity to live in this terrible town. I'm a loner and I'm a freak. _I refuse to call myself such names!_ So I cry myself to sleep.

At school…

Eric: You're Isabella Swan, aren't you? _Hot._

Bella: Bella. _Ugh, why are you talking to me?_

Eric: Where's your next class? _Maybe if I annoy the hell out of her she'll hit on me._

Bella: Government. _Go away._

Eric: So if it's so sunny in Phoenix, why are you so pale?

Bella: How did you know I'm from Phoenix? _Stalker…_

Eric: _I read your file. Think fast, um _The teacher said.

Bella: _So the teacher is the stalker. I knew I saw him eying me._

At lunch…

Bella's Inner Thought's: I was pretending to eat lunch- _I'm anorexic, don't hate me- _when five people walked in. They were all beautiful. _Am I a lesbian? Two of the five people are girls! I'm not gay! Whoa, one's really hot. Must take a hit on already low self-esteem!_

Bella: Who are they?

Jessica: _Is it the hitmen I hired to kill her? Oh _The Cullens.

Bella: They are…very nice-looking. _Nice-looking? What the hell? I'm pretty sure the term is sexy. Who says nice-looking?_

Jessica: Yes! _Bitch, don't talk to me._

Bella: They look a little old for foster children.

Jessica: _What the… When did I say they were foster kids? _They've been with them for a while.

Bella: Which one is the boy with bronze hair? _Hot!_

Jessica: _He's mine, bitch. Stay away from him. _That's Edward, but don't waste your time, he doesn't date. _Take that._

Biology…

Mr. Banner: Go sit down. _Good dog. While you're at it, roll over._

Bella's Inner Thoughts: He was glaring at me. _Jerk, didn't anyone ever tell you it's rude to stare? _He scooted as far away as possible. _Was it that obvious I didn't shower this morning? _When class was over he almost ran out of the room.

Mysterious Voice: I am your father…

Bella: What?

Mike: Uh, aren't you Isabella Swan? _Damn, sexy._

Bella: _Has no one heard of a nickname? _Bella.

Mike: I'm Mike.

Bella: _Wow, original name._ Hi Mike.

Mike: Do you need any help finding your next class?

Bella: _I don't think that's what he said. _I'm going to gym next. I think I can find it.

Mike: That's my next class too. _Score! Locker rooms! Maybe she'll change by that peephole we made. _So did you stab Edward Cullen with a pencil?

Bella: _Crap, did he see that? _Was that the boy I sat next to?

Mike: Yes. _Sheesh, you would think she would know since she was staring at him._

Bella: Oh.

In the office…

Edward: Isn't there another class I can switch to? _I can't stand being next to that girl. Does she ever take a shower? Oh, here she comes. _Never mind, I can see that's impossible. _Ugh, smelly bitch, get out of my way._

Bella: _Gah, rejection! Must take a hit on self-esteem._

Receptionist: How did your first day go, dear? _Clean thoughts, clean thoughts. He's so young…. Clean thoughts, clean thoughts._

Bella: _Gah, my heart, it burns! _Fine.

**Author's Note: Yipes, a lot of swearing. That's so…**

**Edward: Common? Usual? Expected?**

**Me: out of character for me. I don't appreciate your interrupting, Edward.**

**Edward: I don't appreciate you.**

**Me: Oh, save it for Bella. Anyways, review please!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Sorry it took me so long to update. I was a little busy with the beginning of the school year.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, if I did I would be doing the happy dance.**

Bella's Inner Thoughts: The next day was better…and worse. _Ugh I sound like some dumb (yet so addicting) soap opera. _Blah, blah, blah…Mike and Eric are swooning over me (which is listed in the "better" paragraph—I thought I was supposed to hate that)…I'm not a complete loner anymore…blah, blah, blah…Edward doesn't show up at school (which is listed in the "worse" paragraph, even though I'm not supposed to like him)…and I think I'm the reason Edward left. _So I forgot to shower…it was only one time._

At school:

Bella: I thought snow was supposed to be a bunch of flakes. These just look like the ends of Q-tips.

Mike: _Used or unused? 'Cause used ones don't look like this. _Haven't you ever seen snow fall before?

Bella: Yeah…on TV.

Mike: *rolls eyes* _You're not funny Bella, not when you're trying to be. It's funny to watch you try to kill yourself, though._

In the cafeteria:

Bella's Inner Thoughts: Snow. Food. People. Table. Five people. Whoa, wait up—five people? Recount. Let's see…one…seven…twelve…negative two…five. Lyk OMG thers lyk 5 ppl th table.

Stephenie: Bella, you're not text messaging.

Bella: Lyk watev.

Edward: *creepy pedophile stare*

In Biology:

Edward: Hello Bella, my name is Edward Cullen, _although you should know that since you've been obsessing over me for the past week._

Bella: How do you know my name?

Edward: Oh I think everyone knows your name. The whole town's been waiting for you…_to shower._

Mr. Banner: Close up onion root time!

Edward: *sprinkles bag of DAZZLE! on himself* Ladies first?

Bella: *drool*

Edward: _Hehe. *takes out checklist* Dazzle lab partner…check._ It's too bad about the snow, isn't it?_ Ugh, small talk. Why?_

Bella: Why don't we skip the small talk and wrap this up?

Edward: Yes, please.

Bella: My mom remarried and kicked me out of the house to spend time with her loverly lover love love, Phil, so I came here to live with my Dad.

Stephenie: Bella, if you sum things up one more time…

Bella: What? You'll write me out of the story? Nice try, Steph.

Stephenie: That's brilliant! I'll write you out of the story—that's what I'll do.

Bella: What??!

Stephenie: I'll choose someone else to be the main character.

Purple-panda95: Pick me! Pick me!

Bella: *nervous whimper*

**Author's Note: Wow, that's really short. Okay so the way I'll do this is I'll spoof every chapter, each one separate. I'll try to update every weekend, and I'll try to type during the school-week. Review please!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: I am sooooo sorry. You see, for about a month I was busy every weekend (I'm not kidding, I really was). An then I sort of just forgot about the story…so I'm really sorry. By the way, New Moon is awesome—I went to the midnight showing.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

Snow God 1: Hmm…I really hate this Bella Swan girl. Why don't we make her miserable and send down some snow?

Snow God 2: Brilliant!

Bella's Inner Thoughts: Gah, snow. Hmm, I'm excited to go to school. Why would that be? To see the PMSing Edward Cullen? This makes no sense Stephenie.

Stephenie: You're a teenager, Bella. You're not supposed to make sense.

Bella: I hate to say this, but you've got a point.

At school:

Tyler: Oh no, a car! *turns*

Car: _Yes! My time to shine!_ SCREECH!

Bella: It's a car wildly spinning out of control! *runs to front of car* I need attention!

Edward: No! Edward to the rescue! *pushes Bella in front of car*

Bella: I wasn't even in front of the car yet! I was still running for it!

Edward: *get bag of DAZZLETM* No, you were almost hit by a car, but I saved you.

Ambulance: _Haha, time to steal Car's spotlight. _Vroom! Vroom!

EMT: Neck brace! Stretcher!

Bella: Umm, I didn't get hurt.

EMT: Hey, this is my shining moments okay? Now get on the stretcher.

At the hospital:

Tyler: I'm so sorry Bella.

Bella: _For what? Edward pushed me down before I could get to the van. Well, at least I got attention. _It's fine.

Edward: *walks in*

Tyler: Edward, I'm so sorry. _I can't believe I almost hit my future lover. I love you Edward!_

Edward: _Creepy._ No blood, no foul. _A vampire joke? Really?_

Carlisle: *soap-opera entrance with pancake make-up* You can go home now. _Ugh, and take a shower. She's stinking up the entire hospital._

Bella: Edward, we need to talk.

Edward: _Wait, I thought I was the one who gets to break up with her._ What do you want?

Bella: What happened?

Edward: I pushed you out of the way.

Bella: Edward, you weren't anywhere near me. You stopped the van from crushing me.

Edward: You think I stopped a car? Nobody will believe that.

Bella: I'm not telling anybody. _Except my diary._

Edward: *turns knob from PMS Edward to Jerkface! Edward* Can't you just thank me and get over it?

Bella: _I would, but Stephenie won't let me._ Thank you.

Edward: Then I hope you enjoy disappointment. _Ooh, burn!_

At home:

Bella's subconscious: *evil smile* Must torment Bella with dreams of Edward.

Bella: *dreams of Edward*

**Author's Note: Once again, I'm so sorry. I can't make any promises, but I'll try to update when I can.**


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